You never got it. And you never will. 'You're a catholic bible maniac' Woah. That's some news! You really didn't notice before? Of course you didn't. You never got it.
You, more than anybody else, would have to understand. But you can't, and I can't really blame you. I am the poison and the tourniquet. Why did you choose to be with him? And made him dream about a life together and kids and getting old together by the fireplace just to tell him after 4 years that no, that it wasn't what you wanted. That things had changed, and you had changed. That for you he was just a father figure. That you never wanted him as a man. Is that what I was supposed to do? Maybe. Maybe we'd make great love for 4 years or more then one day, while you're believing everything is going great, I'd wake up and tell: "you know what? from the beginning, you were just a mother figure to me. I don't want to be with you. Actually, there's another person that I like. But it doesn't has to do with you. So you better leave me for I plan to be with this new great person I found. :D". Wasn't it what you wanted to do? with him? but things didn't turn out as expected. Yeah, that happens a lot. Because I don't think you had planned all of that for him. You told me you were poison but I really doubt that you planned to spread so much shit on his walls. I don't think you're the kind of person that comes in and out of the life of a person with the sole intention to hurt them. Although that was what you told me the whole time, remember? "I will discard you and replace you when I get tired of you, when I grow bored of you, just like it happened with him". But I've never thought you're that kind of person. But it seems that you think I'm that kind of person. Actually I think it'd be fun being a person like that. The idea puts a smile on my face. It's an interesting reality. But maybe I don't have the guts for that. It tooks you four years to realise that he wasn't the man of your life, but a place where you took shelter from the things that troubled you then "he give you warmth and and strenght" according to your words. It took less time for me. But does that make those 4 years, 4 years of lies, hypocrisy, betrayal and wickedness? Were you playing with him all the time? Didn't you feel anything for him? Was it just a fake? When you told him you didn't want to break up with him and that he was the only man you liked, then yo ran to me and kissed me, were you just being a cold, heartless bitch that wanted to play with his feelings and stomp upon his heart and devotion? I don't think so.
But I don't seem to have those privileges. I must be perfect, your perfect superman. And if I can't be, then "It wasn't with me. it had nothing to do with me". I now remember when my cat was dying and you was so full of indignation and offended that I wouldn't risk make a 3 hours trip with my cat with SO BIG chances that it'd kill her, and how you said you wouldn't help me then. Your main concern wasn't my cat, was it? "I thought you were running away" you said. From you I reckon. Yeah, I guess you are the personification of compassion. You act so much like him and your mother sometimes...
Sorry, but I always made clear that I didn't come to save you. That only you could do that and that I'd only bring chaos to your life.
I didn't deceive you out of your house. I was outside. You saw me and came to me. And I told you that I was the Devil himself, literally and explicitly, and that you could eat of my apples if that's what you wanted. I told you that I wouldn't give you answers, just questions. And I always kept my distance, remember? And it was you who told me that you were surprised that I had accepted so fast that you loved him and we had no chances. Remember when you came and told me about your problems with him, and me, in spite of my situation, said "If that relationship means so much for you and him, you should talk to him and do everything you can to make it work." Or when I told you "I'd tell you to run from me as far as you can and forget that you ever knew me. Knowing that you suffer hurts me and I think you'll suffer less if you erase me completely instead of having me in little drops." I insisted too, that there was an ugly side of me that you'd hate, that I could be everything you love and everything you hate. I was blatantly honest. I always showed you who I really was, but you only saw what you wanted to see, no matter how much I insisted.
Do you know sometimes I doubt about you too? What was my place? A supplanter? A replacement? Someone to help you out of the new pit you were in as you said. "The rose world is for him". You were just hungry for me as you clearly put it many times. Obssessed. You were starving and wanted me to ease your hunger, was it? And since I didn't, you throw a fit. Sometimes I really wonder if it was like that. Because your obsessive and vitriolic behavior makes me think so. You begin to sound like a spoiled kid. What I describe as a warm and beautiful shelter, you call a house for hobos. If I'm glad 'cus I know that you're getting better, you insult me and insist on that stupid idea that I just give excuses to get rid of guilty feelings. Are you surprised than I'm glad for that? Would you feel better if I was jealous? If I was hurt? I don't have any guilty feelings and you won't cause any or hurt me if that's what you want. Hate me, insult me, spit on all the memories that still remind you of me. Even when sometimes it annoys me, I cannot help but understand you and I hold no grudges against you. It's sad that in our blindness we gather thorns for flowers. You're so drowned in all the suffering you've had to bear that you can't hear what I'm saying. But it doesn't matter. If mescaline boy makes you smile again I'll be glad for that. But not because he's cleaning the shit I left on your walls. I'm proud of my 'PAINting'. That beautifully horrible Dead Nature.
You said once that few things made so much sense for you as the phrase "Everything is good in the end. If it isn't good, it's not the end". So keep moving on. It's not the end now, obviously. It will be good. In the end. And if you don't remember me, don't think of me, and it had nothing to do with me, if I'm not the person you loved, and I'm just "one of millions of persons that you don't care for", if I'm a perceptual error then stop coming here to read "the same old stupid story that only I believe". These are just stories for them to read. This is just a vagabond's journal and you won't find anything here but ghosts, carcasses, rotten bugs and faded memories of someone you hate and would like to forget.
THE END.
Lucy Phermann © November 25th, 2006.
USEFUL LINKS FOR READERS:
Apple of Sodom
Mythical Plants of The Middle Ages
More on Apple of Sodom
Article on Apple of Sodom
About the song
Contemporary Version of Aesop's fable 'The Fox and The Grapes' by Ann C. Palica
No comments:
Post a Comment